|
| | Venice
on the web
A semi-regular
column
OCTOBER 14, 2003 CAMPAIGN UPDATE:
Amos inadvertently accepts bribe to bow out of race
Sometime after the Amos for Council web campaign was
launched, Gary Anderson entered the race, making it a three-way contest. On
Sunday, October 12, 2003, Amos inadvertently accepted a bribe from Anderson in
exchange for bowing out of the race. More on this shocking development
can be found here.
At last: affordable city
council bribery for all
Amos is the ideal candidate for city council. Easily
swayed, he will grant political favors to anyone who cares to bribe him. He is not
interested in traditional forms of local bribery, such as insider development investments, cash under the table, privately held
stock or other costly forms of civil servant inducements. Of particular appeal to
high-powered business interests is that Amos can be bribed easily and quite
cheaply with mere table scraps. Not metaphorical table scraps either, Amos can
be bribed with the real thing:
the stuff that is left on your plate after you are through eating.An additional advantage is that money laundering,
incriminating paper trails and other associated bookkeeping nightmares will be a thing of the
past. Amos disposes of the evidence of any wrongdoing by eating it. No
telltale footprints on your pants, either -- Amos is extremely well behaved.
Developers, golf associations and other special interest
groups
who come before council will find this to be a distinct economic plus. Common
citizens as well will finally have within their limited means the ability to buy
a city councilman (councildog?), something that has been economically unfeasible
in the past. Amos is even within the economic reach of retirees living on social
security.
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Say 'hi' to Amos:
click here to leave a
message on the message board
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As in any election, there are some key issues:
| |
 |
John
Simmonds |
| City Manager George Hunt |
has never
stated any support of George Hunt, has no political ties to Hunt; Hunt has
yet to make any offers of food |
staunch
supporter and defender of Hunt |
| Abusive
treatment of city employees |
finds
shouting and consternation to be upsetting, is against
abuse of any kind, prefers to be petted |
is largely
unaware of any abuse, thinks the city is doing a great job at just about
everything |
| Bribery |
definitely
for, but only if it involves food; meat is preferred |
unstated, may
not be aware of the issue |
| Current
actions against the city by OSHA, EEOC, EPA, FAA and the Florida DEP |
is there any
food in this? |
unstated, may
not be aware of the issue |
| Herb
Levine and the Venice Taxpayers League |
on the few
occasions when the candidate has met Levine, Levine failed to produce
anything edible; finds Levine uninteresting so far |
generally
opposed to the Taxpayers League and Levine |
| Venice
Florida! dot com |
primary
source of sustenance, top notch leftovers, great hambones and even the
occasional slab of pizza; the bowl of kibble concept is getting a little
old, though |
unstated, may
not be aware of the issue |
| Proposed $10 million
bond |
bring on the
hamburgers |
unstated, may
not be aware of the issue |
| Dog beach |
as a buoyancy-challenged mammal, would like to see the water moved back a few hundred
yards |
unstated, may
not be aware of the issue |
| Fark |
farked |
has never
been farked |
| Leash laws |
against |
unstated, may
not be aware of the issue |
| Children |
enjoys kids,
especially when they provide treats |
frightens children, may not be aware of the issue |
| Education |
graduate of
the Suncoast Humane Society's
Canine Detention program |
can read and
write |
| Ethnicity |
not sure; has
an Elkhound head, body and personality, Corgi short legs and poofy tail, German Shepherd
coloring |
he's a white
guy |
|
Personality |
very friendly, non-aggressive unless you are a stranger knocking at the front door |
he's an
80-year-old white
guy |
| Hobbies |
Eating,
sleeping, butt-sniffing at the dog park, running, bumming handouts from
neighbors, avoiding the neighborhood tomcat, riding in the back seat of the
car |
80-year-old
white guy stuff |
Would you like to pet the candidate?
Amos is available for speaking engagements, debates and
and free-form butt-sniffing. For info and scheduling, contact
his roommate.
Want to help?
1.) Amos for City Council handout promo cards - 6 to a sheet; print 'em
out, cut 'em down to size, and plaster the town with them. George Hunt would
love to see them placed on all city bulletin boards.
>>>>>Adobe Acrobat file, 0.5 MBs,
download here<<<<<
2.)
Take the banner below and place it on your web site, with a link back to this
page.
Disclaimer:
Bribes are accepted by the candidate on the condition that they may be forgotten
due to subsequent and competing bribes. In any and all cases, Amos is not liable
for refunding any bribe due to failure to deliver an agreed-to vote. He is,
after all, a dog and has some cognitive difficulties in understanding the full
complexities of bribery.
Paid for by Nobody In
Particular. Some assembly
required, batteries not included. Dealer financing charges not included. Void
where prohibited by law. Woof. Amos may be larger than he appears in photos.
Side effects may include the following: upset stomach, trouble sleeping,
diarrhea, dry mouth, woofing, feeling sleepy or tired,
fleas, tremor, indigestion,
butt-sniffing, sweating, feeling agitated, and having less appetite. In
studies, most people did not have to stop petting Amos
because of side effects. Woof. The
voter information contained herein is provided for educational purposes
only and is not intended to replace discussions with a
licensed practitioner, cleric or driver. All decisions regarding
voter care must be made with a
licensed provider and consider the unique characteristics of the
voter. Woof.
This is a work of satire (duh!). Amos is not a registered voter, and as such
cannot legally qualify as a valid candidate for public office in the State of
Florida. Woof.
John
Patten is the head of Web Operations for Creative
Pages, and has worked in broadcasting for over 12 years. He can also
be incredibly rude at times. |
